My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
