I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
