He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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