Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
