How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
