My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
