When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
