3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
