There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
