Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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