I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
