WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
