The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
