I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My balls are so social today.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
