I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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