I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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