i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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