Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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