New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
