On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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