Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
