I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
