I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
