i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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