Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
