: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
