the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
