Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
