dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
