pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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