I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
