guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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