his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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