Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
