I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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