Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
