Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
