I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
being pregnant is like rehab
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We are all done wearing pants today
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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