I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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