Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
