in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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