My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
