Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
