Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
