You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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