i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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