I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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