New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
