I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
