Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
