connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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